Discernment

I've reached the point of discernment for another child. A few months ago, I couldn't have even considered the thought of having another baby. I prayed about it, it was a no.
I can usually tell in my heart when things are right or wrong. I have to strip away the other stuff to actually see, but I usually just know. God is usually fairly clear to me when I ask him what to do.
But now? I actually had the thought in Mass, should I think about it now? Could I do it now? The answer wasn't a definite 'no' any more. It's now a maybe.
It's hard though. I'm just enjoying my things now. I'm enjoying the fact that Ben can take Luke to the park in the evening for a while. I'm enjoying that I am not needed as much as I was needed when Luke was an infant. My back hurts less because I'm not carrying around a baby any more. I'm nursing less than before. Car trips are incredible now, it's actually possible to go somewhere. My body is mostly back to where it was before.
I mean, it's not all candies and rainbows, it's just different. There are still challenges, in fact probably more challenges now. We're starting the baby toddler stage. I'm learning what to do when Luke does something he shouldn't and he's learning too. There are still some days when Ben gets home that I need rest.
But could I do all of this with a newborn?
Dear God, I'm not sure. Please help me discern what your will is.

A book I love

I have been reading 'Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing' by Sheila Kippley. It was recommended on Cave Mother's blog. Sheila is a Catholic Author who founded Natural Family Planning International with her Husband John. With the excessive amount of information I've read about NFP, I've never heard of this book until I heard about it on her blog. So I was excited to find another resource. It seems as though there is lots of NFP information (the easy part) but not as much about after childbirth.
Anyways, I haven't gotten to much NFP yet but I absolutely LOVE the parenting view in this book. Particularly chapter 5, 'Schedules, Sitters, and Social Life'. It talks about how nature designed Mother and Baby to be together as one and how scheduled feedings and baby sitters disrupt this natural togetherness. She talks about how in Africa, most mothers are with their babies up until 15 months old vs our culture where there is a huge need for parents to 'get away' from their babies. 'It is obvious that nature intended mother and baby to be one. In fact, a nursing mother who gives her total love and care for her baby will experience a relationship that she may never have with other persons.' (pg 38) Then the book goes on to say 'It apears that some of our cultural theories care lack common sense and feelings. Mothers sometimes are told that they should let their baby cry, that it is good to frustrate the baby. The baby seems to be looked upon as a 'thing' with out feelings, almost lacking any human rights to be heard, understood and loved.' I love quotes from books like this where I actually feel like they way I feel about my baby is normal. I have a really strong urge to not be separated from my baby. (with the exception of a little bit when Ben watches him and I go for a jog, or to eat icecream in the living room) But getting a baby sitter, even if it was family, feels really strange to me still. I know that is so counter cultural and probably who ever reads this is going to think 'get over it, you have to leave sometime'. While I do appreciate Luke's long naps where I can play on the computer or watch tv, I feel that it's my natural instinct to want to be with him. And there will be a sometime when we will separate, it won't be now. He really needs his mom, and I really need him.
'Could it be that the abrupt severing of the physical relationship between mother and baby that is so common today is responsible in some way for the impared relationship between many of our young people and their parents?' (p 50)

Oh how the turn tables.

(the title is a quote from the office)

As I reflect on my thoughts and feelings about being a mom before I was a mom I think of how much I have changed. As a practicing Natural Family Planner, before I had a baby, I was horrified that I would have to do 'ecological breastfeeding' to help with infertility after childbirth. I would never have imagined myself letting my baby suckle when ever he needs or even breastfeed around the clock. What about ME? I always imagined many nights away with bottles of milk on hand so I could 'get away'.
Now what am I? I am an ecological breastfeeder. I nurse my baby when he needs it. There is no 'schedule'. When he's hungry, he gets it. When he needs a little extra comfort, he gets it. When he's sick, he gets it. In the middle of the night when he nuzzles into me because he knows I'm right next to him, he gets it.
Now I can't imagine not having our breastfeeding relationship any different. Now I have an extra special bond with my baby. Now I'm an ecological breastfeeder. Now I have the added benefit of longer lactational amenorrhea. Now I'm 'one of those moms'. And I love it.