The Stay at Home Mom

I've  been a stay at home mom now for almost three years.  I have noticed a lot in these three years.
1. Some mom's I talk to or follow on facebook seem to use house chores as a way of feeling accomplished and
2.  Most stay at home moms think that the house chores are all of their responsibility.

I've heard things like 'oh finally the kids are  napping I can actually get something done' or listing off this large amount of chores they will or have accomplished that day.  Some moms have mentioned that they have to clean so they can justify staying home (along those lines).  As much as I sometimes fall into that mind set I feel that it's just not right.

As a stay at home mom, my role is to take care of the kids.  That's why I'm staying home.  If I worked, kids would go to day care.  The day care people would not be cleaning my house.  They would only be caring for my kids.  So, if I were to send my kids somewhere else the house would still be messy.   So how did the stay at home mom some how get the all day task of watching kids AND cleaning the whole house?

Now, I will admit that its easy to do some chores while at home.  And that some times it's a matter of that it's the deal between the husband and the wife-- I'll clean the bathrooms if you mow and water the lawn.  And sometimes for me anyway, its easier that I wash the diapers or start and do laundry because I'm home. And sometimes I have time to do more and do it because it needs to be done.  But that doesn't mean that my husband shouldn't also have chores too.

Once and a while I feel that if I finish cleaning the kitchen or clean the bathroom I can mark the day as productive.  But the reason I feel that mind set is wrong is because as a stay at home mom my job is to take care of the kids.  Did I take care of the kids?  Did I play with them?  Did they get fed?  Did I take care of their needs?  And are they alive?  Well, yes, then your stay at home mothering job is COMPLETE.  Seriously.  That is the accomplishment of the job.  Anything else is extra!  I just don't like that thinking that chores equal a successful day.  Moms should more often think about what quality of life they are giving their kids and feel accomplished! 

For me lately, I have been measuring my accomplishments by opportunities to serve my vocation.  What can I do to become a better mother?  For me it's working on being more patient.  So I can ask myself questions like... Was I patient with my kids today while they were learning?  Was I patient when they thought something wasn't fair?  Then if I answer no I could think of ways I could change.  Now, that's accomplishing something. 


What are your roles at home?  And what helps you feel accomplished?

Tired and more kids.

This has been one tiring week. My parents were in town last weekend for Luke's party. So I might be tired from the party and just having everyone over. I didn't quite get all my usual naps in. But Luke has been teething BAD. The poor little guy is in pain. His poor mommy is sleep deprived. I don't know why this week more than others though.
Luke's been night waking a lot... which isn't usually a problem. But he's wanted to nurse at night a lot this week to comfort his teething pain. There has been a couple of times this week where I almost couldn't take it any more. I woke up Ben, angry. Wasn't very nice. But my head was killing me from the on and off waking... These teeth have to get here soon... I am about to loose it. Not to mention yesterday, our realitor called saying someone wanted to show our house (which means she gives permission for another realitor to take people through our house). Our house was a dump. Ben came home on his lunch hour to help. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. We hadn't had it 'show ready' since the week before Luke's birthday party. Needless to say, I missed my nap yesterday which I was almost desperate for. Though, I felt ok. But then I was SO tired come 930 last night so Ben let me sleep a little. I think that was a mistake. I woke up when Luke wanted to nurse down probably 20-30 minutes later and I was cranky. I guess I just flip a switch when I'm super tired. I felt awful. I was kind of mean to Ben and I was just in a sour mood. Now I'm awake a little before Luke wakes up.
It's weeks like this week that make me only want one kid. lol. Thank goodness for Coffee. But seriously, what's it like with more kids? People always have their ideal child spacing. I've seen kids of all spacing. I think I really like closer together better. Like with in 2 years or so. So, Luke is 12 months. So if I got pregnant now, that means he would be 21 months when the baby came. That seems way early. I don't know. I know a lot of people want 3-4 years. But I was an only child and I longed for a brother or a sister to play with. Anyway, those thoughts have been in my mind... well maybe more last week than this week. I think my brain is fogged over this week. I'm napping when Ben gets home from work today.

A book I love

I have been reading 'Breastfeeding and Natural Child Spacing' by Sheila Kippley. It was recommended on Cave Mother's blog. Sheila is a Catholic Author who founded Natural Family Planning International with her Husband John. With the excessive amount of information I've read about NFP, I've never heard of this book until I heard about it on her blog. So I was excited to find another resource. It seems as though there is lots of NFP information (the easy part) but not as much about after childbirth.
Anyways, I haven't gotten to much NFP yet but I absolutely LOVE the parenting view in this book. Particularly chapter 5, 'Schedules, Sitters, and Social Life'. It talks about how nature designed Mother and Baby to be together as one and how scheduled feedings and baby sitters disrupt this natural togetherness. She talks about how in Africa, most mothers are with their babies up until 15 months old vs our culture where there is a huge need for parents to 'get away' from their babies. 'It is obvious that nature intended mother and baby to be one. In fact, a nursing mother who gives her total love and care for her baby will experience a relationship that she may never have with other persons.' (pg 38) Then the book goes on to say 'It apears that some of our cultural theories care lack common sense and feelings. Mothers sometimes are told that they should let their baby cry, that it is good to frustrate the baby. The baby seems to be looked upon as a 'thing' with out feelings, almost lacking any human rights to be heard, understood and loved.' I love quotes from books like this where I actually feel like they way I feel about my baby is normal. I have a really strong urge to not be separated from my baby. (with the exception of a little bit when Ben watches him and I go for a jog, or to eat icecream in the living room) But getting a baby sitter, even if it was family, feels really strange to me still. I know that is so counter cultural and probably who ever reads this is going to think 'get over it, you have to leave sometime'. While I do appreciate Luke's long naps where I can play on the computer or watch tv, I feel that it's my natural instinct to want to be with him. And there will be a sometime when we will separate, it won't be now. He really needs his mom, and I really need him.
'Could it be that the abrupt severing of the physical relationship between mother and baby that is so common today is responsible in some way for the impared relationship between many of our young people and their parents?' (p 50)

Easy Going

This is the best 'easy going' picture I could find. It was taken two years ago in Hawaii. This was definitely pre-Luke.

I have had two people in the last week tell me that I'm 'easy going'. My first instinct is to laugh when they say that. When I told Ben about this and asked if he thought I was easy going he said 'you are if everything is going the way you want it'. LOL! I mean, I consider myself easy going to a certain point. I think Ben is easy going. He is easy to talk to, not too rattled when plans change, goes with whatever comes his way, is open to many suggestions, doesn't like to argue, etc etc. That is easy going. I hate when plans change. I like suggestions but only if they are what I want to hear. I like a good argument. I am not that easy going. But there's a different part of easy going too. I don't care too much about 'looking good'. I'm not very aesthetic (is that the right word?). I don't notice details so usually I don't care about what color something is... or if these shoes look good with this outfit... or the paint in our house. I guess I don't fret or think about those things, so maybe that is more easy going.
I think maybe I have become a lot less worried. For some reason, I think I have stopped all the worrying almost all together. This is what I do when I feel worried about something. I think of THE WORST possible scenario... figure out how I would deal with it then I move on. Lately, that has really been working. For example, I forget extra clothes or something for Luke. What's the worst that can happen? I'm out and I have to go to a store and buy him something. Is that so bad? Or, Luke doesn't really like car rides all that much so I always think 'what if I can't make it home because he's too upset'. Oh well, I'll just pull over and have coffee somewhere. It's never the end of the world with anything.
So maybe they find that I'm easy going with Mothering? I would agree with that. There are several things that I think make me a relaxed parent.
EC- Luke pees and poops in the potty usually. But he does have 'misses'. Where are the misses? On me, on the carpet, on the sink, on the bathroom counter... (thankfully he's only missed twice with poop). While at first it seemed like a big deal, it's not. I just clean up and move on. Why worry?
Another thing that has made me more relaxed is baby led weaning. This is a style of starting solids that is letting the baby try what you're eating and just skipping the pureed foods all together (since he was exclusivly breastfed until 6 months and started solids at 6 months). Once they are 6 months they are ready to try most things (though we've avoided some of the typical allergenic foods). We've always gone by 'food is fun until you're one'. By not forcing Luke to eat anything and just letting him get used to new textures and tastes of food, we have eliminated the stress of 'getting him to eat'. I just don't worry when he throws his food on the floor and decides he's not going to eat. He won't do it forever. And he's little, let him have fun with food. He's getting all the nutrition from breastmilk.
Co-sleeping. Lower SIDS risk, 100 times the amount of cuddling, nursing and lying down= more sleep for mama. What else is there to say?
Another thing I've tried swear off is comparing my baby with someone else's kid. I've done a pretty good job. No baby is exactly alike. They all crawl, get teeth, sleep, and do all those things at different times. I feel no pressure when Luke doesn't do something another baby his age does. Luke will learn eventually... why stress about it? Who cares if he doesn't wave bye like the other babies (though he JUST learned and it's really cute). Maybe he just doesn't want to wave at people. He'll do things when he wants.
So, there, maybe I'm 'easy going' mom. I'll work on the rest.

Just me being a relaxed Mama.

Mothering your nursing toddler

I just bought the book "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler".
Ok, So, Luke isn't a toddler yet. I am sure this question is going to come up as his 1st birthday gets closer. Am I going to breastfeed past 1 year? Yes I am.
When I was pregnant, I just assumed that I would wean my baby at one. The more research I do, the more I'm wondering why 1 year is some magical time everyone has decided on. The AAP recommends breastfeeding for at least one year and then as long as the child and mother want to. The the World Health Organization recommends at least 2 years! They say the milk changes after one to a milk that is better for a toddler. From the website Kelly Mom there are so many wonderful benefits. Nursing toddlers benefit nutritionally, they are sick less often, they have fewer allergies, they are smart, more independence, and it's NORMAL. I thought it was normal to begin with considering no one in my mothers group has weaned at one, even though the statistics say not many mothers do. Also, benefits for the mother are delay in the return of fertility (which, if you must know, I am enjoying right now), reduces the risk of cancer(breast, ovarian, endometrial), protects against arthritis, osteoporosis, decreases insulin doses in diabetic women, AND breastfeeding women lose weight easier (I've even heard that even more comes off the second year of breastfeeding, I'll let you know). So my question is, why would I wean at one?
Looking past the 'recommendations' from others (which I feel like the more and more I do with parenting) I see my baby not ready yet. That is more important to me than the list of stuff above. I can see that weaning early would destroy this wonderful relationship that I have with Luke. I know when one year comes along, he won't be ready. I think that is more important for me to take into consideration than all the great facts and all the knowledge about it. That's how I want to be. I don't care what other people are doing with their own children, I want to do what's best for Luke for him. I don't think anyone, whether it's a well meaning friend or family member, or the AAP, I am Luke's Mom, and I know instinctively what is best for him. Too often mothers don't follow their instinct about their own children because of what they are 'supposed to do'. I am not that way. I want to have a sacrificial love for my son.